How to Start Conversations with Strangers
Starting conversations from scratch is easier than it seems.
Friendship essentially boils down to conversation:
noun
a talk, especially an informal one, between two or more people, in which news and ideas are exchanged
Friends are people we enjoy exchanging news and ideas with. I stress enjoyment because we all know what it’s like to be held captive as someone monologues on their favorite topic, or how awkward it is to keep a conversation going when your companion gives one-word answers. So let’s jump right in and get to talking about talking with strangers (who may or may not become our friends).
Step 1: Make a goal. In order to keep yourself from wasting too much time, focus on having conversations that let you know if this person should remain a stranger, become an acquaintance, or if this connection could grow into a friendship. There’s no need to keep talking to someone if you find it unpleasant.
Step 2: Pick who to talk to. Typically, these are people you see repeatedly as you go about your life. Some examples include a neighbor working in their yard, a person walking their dog, a parent at the playground with their kids, a server at your local haunt, someone in the same Discord channel, and so on. Before you balk and go, “But how do I know these people even want me to talk to them?” understand that you may not even know if you want to talk to them - that is the entire point of starting the conversation. Also, you don’t want to pursue a friendship with someone who isn’t interested. The first few conversations you have with this person should be as low-stakes as it gets.
Step 3: Say hi! This can literally be the whole conversation if that’s all you have in you at that moment. For instance, you are walking past a neighbor’s house and they are grabbing their mail, look up at them, smile, wave and say “hi” loud enough so that they can hear you. Most people will look back and do the same. Even if this is just the precursor to a conversation, it focuses their attention on you. This is a little different online, where you will typically make a comment on a post of theirs, or like it, or share it and just saying “hi” is bot behavior and not recommended. In those instances, keep your first interaction public and low-key - a like, a plus, a thumbs up. It’s also a little different with dog people, because well, you say hi to the dog first - but it’s also very polite to look up from calling their pooch a cutie and saying hi to the owner as well.
Step 4: Compliment them and ask a question. In the world of dog people, telling someone their dog is cute or sweet and then asking about their breed is a great conversation starter. For neighbors in their yard, you can point out a plant you like and then ask its name, or how they care for it. If they’re walking by your place, it might be easier to just introduce yourself and then ask if they also live in the building or on the street. If you’re uncomfortable offering up a compliment, it’s fine to just get right to the question, as in the case of seeing someone wearing a sports jersey and asking them if they are fans of the team. Yes, it’s a silly question but it gets the conversation going, and if you’re both sports fans, an easy way to start talking to someone. Online, you can comment about them making a good point, posting a funny meme, etc., and then move on. No need for questions yet, as online relationships are built more slowly.
Step 5: Get them talking. If the vibes are good and they’re chatty, ask a follow-up question. For dog people, it’s usually about the dog’s age, or how long they’ve had them. For neighbors, it could be about how long they’ve lived in the neighborhood, for wait staff it could be the thing they recommend most. For folks with children, you can ask about the child’s age or what grade they’re in. The goal here is to ask at least a second question and see if they ask you one or want to keep the conversation going. Online, this can be sending them a meme, or a link, or making a positive comment about something they posted.
Step 6: Introduce yourself, if you haven’t already. If you feel like the interaction was decent, tell them your name and a little about you. I personally prefer the “I’m Ana, by the way, I live in X town/over there” over the “What’s your name? I’m Ana” because the first is a little more vulnerable, and it also sets up a good test to see if the person wants to engage further. If they do, they will offer their name, and if you’re not standing in front of their house, likely the city they live in.
Step 7: Say goodbye! Unless the other person is now asking you questions or you’re deep in conversation about the KC Chief’s season, feel free to keep moving. Tell them you hope they have a nice day and you’ll see them around. This keeps your conversation short and sweet, gets you some basic info, and a vibe check. You can then decide, when you see them again if you want to say hi and get to know them better. Online, this looks like making a comment on a post and then moving on for the day, but making a few comments like this a week.
Wrap Up:
The most important part of this is to understand that building new adult friendships includes repetitive, low-stakes interactions. Some people will be eager to be friends and keep talking, others will be more reserved, but ultimately, you’re just trying to decide if you want to talk to them more.
Also, keep in mind that in situations where people are working, especially if you go to their establishment a lot, will be friendly but will go nowhere because it’s their job to be nice to you. In those instances, I would proceed just as slowly as online, and assume that you’re just a customer they like instead of their future buddy unless you guys have a ton in common and they express interest in hanging out.
Next Week:
Take your conversation to the next level and get to know your potential new friend more!